How 12-2-1 Roundtables help people open up...

After a lot of years working with people, I have learned something pretty simple:

Most of us can talk all day long without ever saying what is really going on.

We can talk about our job, our kids, our spouse, our ex, our boss, our neighbor, the weather, politics, traffic, Harley Davidson's, or why somebody else needs to change.

Ask, “What is really going on with you?” and suddenly everybody gets real interested in their coffee.

That is one reason Faith and I believe so strongly in the Roundtable Model.

A Roundtable does not feel like somebody sitting across from you with a clipboard trying to figure out what is wrong with you. It is a group of real people with real problems, real victories, and usually at least a few bad decisions in their rearview mirror.

In other words, you fit right in.

People begin to realize something important:

I am not the only one.

That realization can change the whole conversation.

Some people come into a Roundtable ready to talk. Others come in with their arms crossed, their camera tilted toward the ceiling, and a look that says, “I am here because somebody made me.”

We have seen that look before.

The good news is, we do not need people to arrive with everything figured out. We just ask them to be willing to take an honest look at themselves.

One of my many favorite sayings is:

One can attend every session and still never show up.

Showing up means more than being physically present. It means becoming willing to look at your choices, your thinking, your relationships, and the patterns that keep getting you the same results.

The Roundtable helps that happen naturally.

Somebody shares something honest. Another person realizes, “I do that too.” Somebody laughs. Somebody gets uncomfortable. Somebody says something they probably did not plan on saying.

And every now and then the whole Zoom room gets quiet.

Those are usually the profoundly good moments.

Faith and I have watched people start a Roundtable determined not to say a word.

Twenty minutes later, they are halfway through their life story.

I usually think, “Well, glad we got that cleared up.”

But the Roundtable is only part of the process...

Taking the Conversation Home

An important part of 12-2-1 is our daily Challenges. These are interactive journaling exercises that help participants continue the work between Roundtables.

Because it is one thing to have a breakthrough at 10:30 on Tuesday morning. It is another thing to still remember it when life shows up Tuesday afternoon.

The Challenges give participants an opportunity to slow down and put some thought into what they are learning. They may be asked to examine a belief, identify a pattern, write about a relationship, recognize a relapse warning sign, consider where they need to take responsibility, or decide what they want to do differently.

And there is something powerful about writing it down.

You can sometimes talk your way around a question.

A blank page is a little harder to negotiate with.

The Challenges are not homework just for the sake of homework. They are designed to help people connect the conversations happening in the Roundtable with the decisions they are making in everyday life.

The Roundtable starts the conversation. The Challenges ask, “Okay, what are you going to do with it?”

That combination matters.

When people hear someone else describe a fear, resentment, mistake, or struggle that sounds like their own, the walls begin to come down. Then, when they spend time privately reflecting on those same issues through a Challenge, they often begin seeing things they had missed before.

Shame says, “You better hide this.”

The Roundtable says, “You are probably not as alone as you think.”

The Challenge says, “Now let’s take an honest look at it.”

We are not interested in embarrassing people, forcing disclosure, or letting anybody off the hook.

The goal is to create a place where people can be challenged without being condemned, supported without being rescued, and honest without pretending to have it all together.

Sometimes encouragement is what someone needs.

Sometimes it is accountability.

And sometimes somebody simply needs to hear:

“Have you ever considered that the problem may not be everybody else?”

That one usually goes over really well.

Eventually.

The truth is, other people can often see patterns in us that we cannot see in ourselves. That is true in recovery, marriage, parenting, relationships, and just about every other part of life.

Roundtables help us see those patterns together.

Challenges give us time to look at them personally.

And when those two things work together, people often begin moving from simply talking about change to actually practicing it.

No podium.

No perfect people.

No pretending.

Just real people, thoughtful questions, honest conversation, daily reflections, some friendly recovery competition (Jim's Team almost always wins), some laughter, and the opportunity to take the next right step.

And sometimes that is exactly what helps somebody finally open up...